How the Tantalus gang screwed everything up
by Ameki-Elisa
Summary: This fanfic is about Tantalus’s first performance of ‘I want to be your canary’. Not the one they did to kidnap Princess Garnet, but the FIRST time they performed that play. The time they were just a happy thief gang with no plans to abduct the Princess.


**Tantalus's first performance of 'I want to be your canary'.**

By: AmekiElisa 

As you can see, this fanfic is about Tantalus's first performance of 'I want to be your canary'. Not the one they did to kidnap Princess Garnet, but the FIRST time they performed that play. The time they were just a happy thief gang with no plans to abduct the Princess . As you already know, I didn't invent the characters of this fanfic, they are all characters of FFIX. Now, enjoy this story about how the Tantalus guys screwed up the first performance of 'I want to be your canary', and how they were punished afterwards…

**Who's gonna play who?**

"Okay, pieces of scum!" Baku yelled as he entered the hide-out. "Ya'll know we're gonna perform 'I want to be your canary' in Alexandria this spring. I've decided who's gonna play who." The members of his gang nodded and did the Tantalus greeting. Marcus and Zidane were sitting on chairs, Cinna was lying on the floor, Blank was leaning against the wall, Ruby was sitting on the bed and the two Nero brothers, Benero and Zenero were standing next to the table in the middle of the room. "So, Ruby's gonna be Cornelia, and Marcus'll be her loverboy, 'kay?" Baku stated, not really asking their opinion. Zidane frownded with jealousy at first, but then smirked and patted Marcus on the back, a bit harder then usual. "Stop bein' such a baby, Zidane!" Baku said, drawing his attention. "You, Cinna and Blank will play Marcus's kinsmen. You'll challenge me, Cornelia's father, 'cuz I'm against her relationship with Marcus. Later, Blank will realize that the marriage between Princess Cornelia and Prince Schneider will bring peace to both the kingdoms, so he'll fight a duel with you. Got it?" Zidane wasn't really paying attention. "Oh, Lilian! You are so pretty!" He thought. "If only…Oh, no! What am I going to do on that date with Tamera tonight? I don't even have enough money to take her to a movie, and…Man, Ruby is looking hot today!" Baku coughed, and when he still didn't get a reaction from the blonde thief, he walked over to the chair Zidane was sitting on, and kicked it over. "Pay attention, you damn monkey! This is important! You'll have all the time to think about yer girlfriends later!" He shouted, while picking the chair up again and sitting on it. Zidane jumped up. "Why the hell did you do that!" He yelled angrily. Then he calmed down and asked: "How did you know I was thinking about girls?" Baku laughed out loud. "You ALWAYS think about girls…" He said. "…and you were thinking out loud again." Marcus added with a grin that showed his vampire-like sharp teeth. "Aw…" Zidane sighed.

**The rehearsal.**

"Ahum…Oh, Corneliaaa…" Marcus tried for the hundreth time. Ruby burst out in laughter. "Sorry, darlin', that was jes' so adorable!" Baku slapped his forehead. "Ugh…Ruby, at least TRY not to laugh this time, I wanna get on with this!" Behind the curtains Blank and Cinna were very busy practicing their lines. Zidane was lying on the floor, thinking. "Lola winked at me, oh yeah, she winked at me! Oh, no, she winked at Blank…Man, my life sucks! Thank God I still have Sabrina, she always smiles so sweetly at me! Hm, but she always smiles at Cinna too! I…" "Yo, Zidane! Aren't ya gonna practice your lines?" Cinna asked, interrupting his daydreaming. Zidane waved his hand. "I'll look them over later…" Right then, Baku called them. It was their turn. Blank and Cinna went onto the stage. 'Hey, where are you guys goin'?" Zidane asked. He jumped up and followed them. "Okay, normally, here's the part where Zidane, Blank, Cinna and Marcus challenge me." Baku explained. "We're not gonna practice the fight, 'cuz we already wasted enough time! So we're gonna skip over to the duel scene." He went back to his seat. "Get your lazy asses movin', Zidane an' Blank!" He shouted. Zidane drew his dagger. "Consider this, if Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia …" He said at exactly the same time as Blank. Blank stared at him, puzzled. "No, no, no! That's Blank's line!" Baku yelled, sounding very irritated. Zidane scratched the back of his head. "Sorry!" Baku punched the pillow of the seat next to him. "Start over!" He commanded. "Consider this, if Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!" Blank said, desperatly trying to draw his brother's attention. Zidane didn't react. He was looking at Ruby. "Wow, she looks good in that dress!" He drooled. Blank looked around, helpless. "Well, are ya gonna consider it?" He hissed. "Shut up, Blank, can't ya see I'm dreaming!" Zidane snapped. "Ugh…" Blank mumbled. He wanted to lean against the wooden wall behind him, but…forgot the wall was gone because it was being repeared. With a scream he fell backwards of the stage. "I'm…okay!" He yelled to the others after a while. Baku buried his face in his hands. "Okay, just study your OWN lines, and everything will be alright." He said as calmly as possible, but as he went to the exit of the playhouse, he dragged Zidane with him. Zidane looked at the others, with a scared and desperate look on his face. "Help me, guys…" He squeeked. And they all knew what was going to happen! Zidane was going to get the beating of his life…again!

**The performance!**

"Guys, this is it! Let's show them what Tantalus's worth!" Baku encouraged his thieves before the play started. With a shock Zidane realized that he hadn't studied his text. He punched Blank's arm. "Oh, my God, Blank! You gotta help me, I forgot to study my lines!" He whispered. "YOU WHA !" Blank shouted, not believing what he just heard his monkey-tailed brother say. Zidane moved a little closer and whispered: "I forgot to study my text…" "WHAT THE FCK YOU STUPID MONKEY WHAT HAVE YA BEEN DOIN' THE LAST THREE MONTHS!" Blank yelled, with a head turning as read as his hair . Zidane tried to calm him down, but it was already too late…Baku came in, looking REALLY angry. "If you two freaks don't shut the hell up, I'm gonna rip out your stomachs and make you eat them again!" He threatened. Both Blank and Zidane gulped and shut their mouths. When Baku was gone, Blank shook his head and turned away from Zidane. "It's your own fault, I'm nog saving your ass **again**!" He snapped. Zidane grabbed Blank's shoulders and made him face him again. "Pleeeaaase, Blank! You gotta help me!" He begged. "Remember how I saved **your** ass when you came home drunk?" Blank's eyes and mouth popped open. "You didn't save me, you were the one who told Baku! And besides, I wasn't drunk, I was high! Oh…Forget that!" Zidane started laughing. "Oh, yeah! Now I remember! I still had to take revenge because you ate my last muffin!" Blank rolled his eyes and walked away. "No, wait! I'm sorry! C'mon Blank! I thought we were friends!" Zidane yelled. "Oh, so you betrayed your friend for a muffin!" Blank replied sarcastically. "Look, just write your lines on your arm!"

So Zidane did as Blank told him. He wrote his lines on his arm: 'For the sake of our friend, let us burry our steel in the heart of the wretched king Leo! Cursed king Leo, my kinsman's suffering won't be in vain for I shall destruct thee in his incomparable pain! 'Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why, none would suffer in this world!", and then went on dreaming about Wendy, Laura, Caroline and Marian. The play started. Marcus did his best not to make Ruby laugh, but it didn't really turn out as he had hoped. First of all, he had a cold and talked through his nose. Next to that, Ruby accidently punched him in the face when she wanted to hug him, so his nose was bleeding. "Stick your thumb in it!" Blank whispered from behind the curtain. Finally, he tripped over Ruby's foot, ripping her skirt to pieces as he tried not to fall. Baku ordered Benero and Zenero to lower the curtain immediatly. After that, he took Marcus by the shirt, and smacked him across the face a few times. "You stupid gremlin!" He shouted, so that all the people could hear it. Then the scene where Zidane, Blank, Marcus and Cinna challenge King Leo started. Zidane was very nervous, and he was sweating alot, so the text on his arm turned a bit blurry. He stood up with his sword in his hand. "For the cake of our fiend, let us burp or steal in the heat of the wrecked thing, Leo." He yelled, wondering what the hell Leo was. Blank and Cinna were staring at him with wide open mouths. Zidane ran onto stage, and after having said "Nursed tin Leo, my kind man's suffocating won't be any pain for I hail Instructor Lee in this incompetent rain!", he began the fight with Baku. Meanwhile, Ruby dragged Benero of the stage, dressed him as an instructor and gave him a badge with 'INSTRUCTOR LEE' on it. Then she kicked Lowell on the stage with a cake in his hands. Baku's face was purple, and he "accidently" slashed Zidane a few times. After the fight, Baku ran off. And when Zidane wanted to follow him, Blank got in his way. "Consider this, Zidane! If Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!" He yelled. Zidane tried to push him aside and shouted: "Piss wool, Princess! If Squall were so beasty, my, don' he would suck her in his wood? (Now it's gettin' interesting!)" Blank raised an eyebrow. "Go on, go on!" Baku hissed. So Blank and Zidane started the duel. That scene was a great succes. Zidane was smiling and winking at some girls on the first row. "Pay attention, you dumbass!" Blank whispered with clenched teeth, but suddenly, the girls started cheering **him **on. He turned around and waved. "Hi, cutie! D'ya know I think red is the sexiest haircolor a man can have?" A girl wearing a short black dress purred with a tempting voice. "That bastard!" Zidane thought. He ran up to Blank and pushed him of the stage while screaming: "Die, traitor!" Blank fell right into the group of girls. At first, he looked scared, then furious! But finally, he grinned evily at Zidane as the girls overwhelmed him with kisses and hugs. Zidane wanted to jump on top of him and beat him to crap but Baku grabbed him by the tail. "That's it, playtime's over!" He growled.

**The punishment.**

Baku knocked softly on the door of the throne room. "Come in." Queen Brahne answered briefly. Before entering Baku looked back at his gangmembers, who were seriously beaten up and trembling with fear. He sighed, shook his head and opened the door. Queen Brahne was sitting on her throne and Princess Garnet was sitting next to her. Zidane winked at Garnet, but she didn't notice, because she was smiling at Cinna. Cinna didn't see that either, because he was looking at the piece of Bundt Cake in Queen Brahne's hand. "So, Mister Baku!" Queen Brahne said after a while. "I've really enjoyed your play, it was wonderful!" Baku thanked the great Thief God inside and shyly asked: "Really?" Queen Brahne threw the piece of Bundt Cake at him and shouted: "NO! IT WAS TERRIBLE!" Cinna tried to pick up the piece of cake, but Blank stepped on his hand. "W…What, Your Majesty?" Baku squeeked. "I guess you uneducated thieves can't understand a word I am saying. Fine, I will say it in a language that EVEN you can understand: IT SUCKED LIKE HELL!" Queen Brahne screamed. Baku gulped. His back was itching like crazy, but he didn't dare to move. The Queen wiped the sweat of her face with a handkerchief, that appeared to be made of silk, and had the words 'For my beloved darling, Brahne.' sewn on it. "I've never seen such a ridiculous performance of 'I want to be your canary'! You should be ashamed of yourself for mocking such a great play! Right, darling?" She asked Garnet in a slimey way. "Actually, I kind of…" Garnet started, but Queen Brahne interrupted her. "Not only did you make fun of Lord Avon, you also made fun of me! You promised me a play that would make the whole house burst into tears, but what did you give me? A CHEAP PORN SHOW!" Baku looked at Zidane with an expression on his face that would make **even **Kuja shiver. Zidane hid behind Marcus, but Marcus was just about to faint because of the beating Baku gave him, so Zidane tried to hide himself behind Blank AND stop Marcus from falling. "You will be punished for this." Queen Brahne said in a dark, threatening way. Baku fell on his knees. "No! Have mercy, Your Majesty!" He cried. His gangmembers let their mouths fall wide open, as they had never seen their boss beg like this to the woman he always called 'fat, butt-ugly elephant-lady' when she couldn't hear it. Queen Brahne raised her eyebrows. "Guards, take them away!" She said, showing how little she cared about this scurvy thiefgang. "NOOOooo…" Baku screamed as the guards dragged him and his thieves to prison.

Zidane woke up in a dark, stinking cell. He looked around and noticed somebody leaning against the wall. "Blank, is that you?" He whispered. "No." The person answered, without any emotion in his/her voice. Zidane got up and wiped the dust of his clothes. "C'mon man, this ain't the time for jokes. I can hear it's you, d'ya think I'm stupid?" He asked. "No." Blank answered again. "Yeah, I'd think so!" Zidane grimaced. "Damnit, do you know how we can get outta here?" "No." Blank said coldly. "Can't you say anything else but 'no'?" Zidane sighed. "…No." Zidane giggled nervously. "Hehe…You're scarin' me, Blank. Is this some kind of joke?" "No!"

Meanwhile, a girl dressed in a white cloak sneaked past the sleeping guards and stole the key to the celdoors. She opened the cell Baku was in. "Thanks lass…But who are you?" He asked. She gestured him to be quiet and went on to the other cells. She freed Ruby, Cinna, Marcus and the Nero's, then went on to Zidane's cell. When they arrived, they saw Zidane, slapping Blank in the face, while crying: "How can you do this to me, BITCH!" The girl quickly opened the door and pulled the crazy monkey's arm. "Don't worry, Sir! It's just a doll…" She said hastly. Zidane let go of the doll, that was going like: "No! No! No? No!" After having kicked the doll a few times, Zidane got out of the cell. "So, what's up with these dolls, anyway?" He growled. "We all had dolls like that in our cells!" Cinna answered. "I think Queen Brahne wanted us to go crazy by locking us up with puppets that say nothing more but 'no'. But, of course, we all knew immediatly they weren't real." Zidane coughed and turned his head away to hide his blushing cheeks. "Yeah, I knew! I just had to let of some steam…" "Hey! Mine didn't jes' say 'no'!" Ruby yelled. "I had a Zidane-doll, an' ya don't wanna know what he was sayin'!" Zidane turned to the girl. "Thanks for saving us, babe! I owe ya one! So, what's your name?" He asked in his typical flirting 'Zidane-way'. "Uh…My name is…Netgar!" The girl answered nervously. "Oh, Netgar! What a beautiful name!" Zidane whispered with a voice that sounded like his head was in the clouds, or something. The girl quickly ran up the stairs to the throne room before Zidane could put his arm around her shoulder. Right before the door she stopped and said: "We have no time for idle banter! Let us hurry!" So they ran as fast as they could. After a few battles with Alexandrian soldiers, they made it outside to their airship. They were all dying to leave, so in a few seconds, everybody was inside. Except for Zidane. He was holding Netgar's hand and ignored Baku's threats and curses from the ship. "Please come with me, Netgar! I'll never find a chick…Um…**Girl **like you anymore!" He begged her. Under her white cloak, Netgar rolled her eyes. "Sorry, Zidane, but…Um…My heart already belongs to someone else! (Oh, brother!)" She pulled his hand of hers. "To who?" Zidane asked, frowning angrily while Netgar turned around and ran back to the castle. "To Prince Schneider!" She yelled back at him , grinning. But Zidane couldn't see that grin. He thought she was serious! "Schneider, eh?" He thought. "Wait! Didn't Cinna play Prince Schneider?" He looked up and saw that Baku was already leaving. He jumped and grabbed a rope that was hanging from the airship. Blank looked down from the railing. "It didn't work, Boss! He's hanging on the rope!" He shouted. "Then cut it off!" Zidane heard Baku yell back. He grinned and climbed up to the airship. Blank helped him. "There you go, bro!" He said, pulling Zidane over the railing. "Thanks, sis!" Zidane snickered. Blank yanked his hands away and looked hurt. "I knew Ishould'vecut off the rope" He mumbled while walking over to a wooden crate to lean against it. Zidane patted him on the back. "Nah, I was just kiddin'. It's good you helped me, I was still shivering too much to climb. I held Netgar's hand, you know!" Blank sighed. "You're full of crap." Zidane laughed out loud. "I'm glad you're not just saying 'no' all the time. Oh, yeah! I still had something to do!" He walked up the deck and spotted Cinna, who was sitting next to a carbage can, dreaming about Bundt Cake. Zidane smirked. He sneaked behind Cinna and wanted to jump on his rival's back when suddenly, somebody planted his foot on the monkey's tail. "AHYAAH!" Zidane cried. He turned around to see his boss. (And seriously, when Baku is standing on your tail, that's GOTTA hurt!) "Well, are ya finally here! What tha hell took ya so long!" Baku yelled while grabbing Zidane by the shirt. Zidane squeeked, but Baku was smiling evily. "What should I do with him, boys?" He asked, amused. "I never know what to do in a situation like this, there are so many possibilities!" The other members glanced at each other and grinned.

"NOOO! No, no, NO!" Zidane growled angrily from his hiding place on top of the huge wardrobe in the Tantalus hide-out. Ruby was looking up at him. "C'mon, darling! Come down! Ya really hafta try this cute thing on!" Zidane glared down at her. "I WON'T…WEAR…A DRESS!" He screamed on the top of his lungs. Ruby smiled at him with an angle-like smile. "But, darling! Ya have to! Cornelia ALWAYS wears a dress!"

The End 

Oh my god! You made it to the end! That means you have found my fiction worthy to read! Thank you SO much! Please review and let me know what you think of it, 'kay?


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